Welcome to the first, and possibly only, version of my newest endeavor, the Tuesday Morning Creative Team. Following last night’s Raw, I felt like I had to explain to the WWE and Vince McMahon why fans are so incredibly pissed off about last night. Not all fans, mind you. I’m sure there is a nine year old girl somewhere who is really excited about how Raw played off last night, and I certainly don’t mean to speak for her, but for the rest of us… the ones who were DESPERATELY looking forward to an amazing Raw.
Instead, last night, Vince McMahon inducted everyone watching into The Kiss My Ass Club.
Last week, Raw ends with the now somewhat almost kind of infamous walkout. Triple H stood in the ring as midcarders, heels, divas, and superstars from Superstars walked out on him. JR even stood up and walked out on him. The cameramen walked out on him. Even Stephanie stepped out on him, but that’s a story for another day. The WWE Universe, while not completely sold on the story, was at least curious where it was going. And then Smackdown hit and Trips just said, “I won’t show up and everything will be fine!” And it was. Because that makes sense. No one hates their boss when their boss isn’t at work. Oh wait, no. It was a bunch of professional wrestlers whining about an unsafe work environment. And it was boring as shit.
So this week’s Raw kicks off. And the beginning was fabulous. I think the Internet Community more or less agrees on that. HHH, Punk, Cena, and Sheamus put on a great front that good things were going to happen… knowing full well that wasn’t true at all. For that, I nominate each of them for Emmys. Punk had some great one liners. HHH got the crowd all fired up. Cena had good reasons for still being there and managed to insult the computer and the 56 celebrity GMs all at once. Sheamus looked good and even brought up… wait for it… THE PAST. Oh, it’s true, boys and girls. It’s damn true. Punk went to do commentary. HHH was set to ref. Cena and Sheamus were going to put on a five star classic. And then we went to commercial. When we returned, everything fell apart with the super rushed, forced, idiotic return of Vincent Kennedy Kennedy McMahon (minus one Kennedy).
You can read how the rest goes elsewhere, but I’d rather spend the rest of Tuesday Morning Creative Team discussing how I think it should have been booked. Feel free to disagree with me. That’s what makes being a WWE fan so much fun. The fact that we all believe something else would have been better than whatever we were given… and yet we all show up each week, waiting to see what they hand us instead.
If I were in charge, here’s how last night would have played out.
The beginning would be really similar, except for one key ingredient. HHH would have said, “You don’t want to work here? That’s fine. I don’t mind. Unfortunately, that means you won’t be receiving pay checks this week. Also, I’m hereby vacating every single title. This isn’t 1995. If you don’t work here, you can’t be our champion.” He would have then put Punk, Cena, and Sheamus in a three way match for the vacated WWE Championship, saying the other title would be contested on Smackdown. He would have brought in other announcers, who don’t currently work for WWE, preferably people with a tie to his own past, like Shawn Michaels. The match would have gone for literally over an hour, because these three guys could pull that off with no problem and make it interesting. Michaels could have been on commentary, talking about the night he went an hour with Cena on Raw, making it more legit. The finish, in just over an hour, Cena would hit Punk with the AA, dropping him to the outside floor. Cena would turn around into Sheamus, who would lock in a new submission move, forcing Cena (after a lot of struggling) to tap out.
We’re now about an hour and fifteen minutes into the show (the beginning would have taken a while). As Sheamus holds his new title over his head, who should return, but Alberto Del Rio, claiming, “You can’t be the Champion. I have the title.” Sheamus would invite him to come and get it. HHH would take to the mic and say, “I’m sorry, you don’t work here. You walked out. And by the way, that work Visa of yours? Gone.” And INS would come take Del Rio away… I figure Vince needs to be entertained somehow, right?
We pan outside, to the group of “walkouts” who are watching the show from the parking lot. HHH would ask if any other champions would like to change their minds right now and come inside and reclaim their titles. The champs would stand around, trying to figure out if they should go or not. HHH would then say, “Tell you what, what if I just give them away? First two men to the ring get to face off right here, right now, for the IC Title.” The group falls apart as people race to the ring. I don’t even care who gets to the ring. Could be Cody, could be anyone. But we have a match for a title and the title is the goal. And the title MEANS something to these people. It means way more than who is in charge.
Of course there is another group, who actually stayed outside. These people are still actually protesting. It doesn’t even matter who’s in the group, but there should be some who meant it, such as Miz and Rtruth, who are clearly just visiting friends, as they don’t work there. Christian should not be in this group, as he just wants a title. 
These people, led by Otunga, will keep trying to convince the others, whether they succeed or not. I would leave Ziggler outside for a moment.
To close the show, (with about 20 minutes left) HHH comes on the big screen again and tells Ziggler that if he wants to still be US Champ, he has one minute to get to the ring. Ziggler thinks about it. Vickie tries to stop him. Ziggler pushes her out of the way and runs in, sliding into the ring as time expires. HHH congratulates him. Ziggler asks for his belt. HHH said, “Sure, I’ll give you a chance to keep your belt. You just have to beat this man. Zack Ryder’s music hits. Zack makes his way out, apologizing to HHH again, off mic. HHH points to the ring. Z and Z have a great match. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag. Jack Swagger and Vickie come down, distracting him. Ziggler eats the Rough Ryder. As Zack goes for the pin, Vickie pulls HHH out of the ring. H goes to hit her and Swagger steps up, fighting him. The locker room empties and everyone mad at HHH goes down and kicks the shit out of him. Cena, Punk, and WWE Champion, Sheamus come down to fight them off. It turns into an all out brawl, with everyone hitting everyone. Preferably, we end with the heels standing tall and Zack Ryder wondering where his title went. HHH should be out cold. Cena, Punk, and Sheamus shouldn’t be much better off.
But James, that doesn’t answer any questions. What happens next? EXACTLY. See how there was no pay off but it was a great show? That’s what wrestling should be. It shouldn’t be, “Last week’s cliffhanger was great. Let’s come back, tie up some loose ends, ignore some others, and just give up. This is how you make people want to watch for a THIRD week. You know, the opposite of what the real Raw did last night.
Tags: asinine, boobs, cena, Christian, CM Punk, cody, ever, exactly, Facebook, faces, goddamnit, heels, HHH, Hornswoggle, horrible, Horseshit, low, michaels, midgets, punk, rating, Raw, rhodes, ryder, sheamus, Smackdown, tags, Triple H, twitter, Undertaker, worst, writing, wwe, zack, ziggler
