Jabroni’s Corner: And here’s to you, Mr. Hellwig…

I was thinking about the Ultimate Warrior the other day.

Don’t worry, it wasn’t in the same way that Ed Leslie or Santa Claus might be thinking about the Ultimate Warrior, but more along the lines of whether or not he could still bring anything to the business today.  As everyone probably knows, Warrior is returning to the ring in NWE (http://nwewrestling.homedns.org/home.php) next month.

Ultimate Warrior has taken an interesting carreer path since leaving the buisness in 1999.   He became a conservative pundit.  He actually started off pretty well; I watched him give an hour long speech on CSPAN a few years ago and was actually impressed.  Unfortunately, his speeches soon turned from fiscal responsibility and limited government to sexual morality and he had an incident at the University of Conneticut that pretty much ended his campus tour. 

From wikipedia: “Warrior officially retired from wrestling in 1999, and has found a new career as a conservative speaker and commentator, denouncing left-wing politics. In one instance, he mentioned that ‘queering doesn’t make the world work’ during a speech at the University of Connecticut. Warrior has explained those comments on his website as meaning that the human race would die out if everyone were a homosexual.”

While you may be able to compare my own politics to that of Michael Savage, you can’t make that comparison between me and his crazy younger brother, Randy*, who is crazier than a shithouse rat.  Ultimate Warrior, on the other hand, is just as right-wing as Michael Savage but also just as looney as Randy Savage.  Just check out his 1996 comic book if you don’t believe me.  To be fair though, if we were rating craziness on a one-to-ten scale, Warrior would be a 5, while the Macho Man Randy Savage would be a six billion gillion quadrillionplexillion.  In laymen’s terms, that means I really hope WWE puts out a “Self Destruction of Randy Savage” DVD soon.

Back to the Warrior, I was really just trying to figure out how he could fit in with the current WWE product, if he were to return.  I can usually fantasy book in my head pretty well, but trying to come up with a story for the Warrior isn’t as easy.  For starters, I was never a fan of his character.  I loved the Honky Tonk Man.  Need I say more?

But now he wants to wrestle Vince McMahon at Wrestlemania XXV.  I don’t think it’s a good idea.  It wouldn’t make any sense.  Vince’s feuds are with either with the guy who he thinks will be the future of the business or with a big-time legend.  I’m sorry to say this, but Ultimate Warrior is not a big-time legend.  Sure, he’s got name value.  His match with Hogan at Wrestlemania VI was great.  His match with Savage at Wrestlemania VII is one of the greatest Wrestlemania matches of all time.  To this day I enjoy his Wrestlemania V match with Rick Rude.  

Three great Wrestlemania matches should be enough to make him a big-time legend, but it’s not.  Here’s why.  Wrestling legends influence wrestlers.  Flair, Race, Hogan, Rhodes, Funk, Hart, Austin, Foley, Michaels, Andre.  Those guys are legends.  They influenced a generation.  They gave us matches that made us fans.  The affect us in our regular lives.  I still let out a “Woooooooo” at least once per day, but I rarely paint my face, talk to my hands and run around shaking things.

Another reason I don’t consider Warrior a big-time legend and worthly McMahon opponent is that he had no shelf-life.  He got over huge early in his WWF career, but after destorying Honky Tonk Man for the Intercontinental title things kind of slowed down for him.  Other than the match where he lost the title to Rick Rude, he had no memorable matches defending that title.  He had no memorable matches defending the WWF World Heavyweight title either.  Other than his match with Savage, his post-champion feuds were not memorable at all.

And I won’t soil this site by mentioning his WCW run.

From all accounts, Warrior was a pain backstage who would refuse to put guys over and often demanded more money at the last minute.  You could say that about a lot of guys, but a lot of those guys made a lot more money for Vince than the Ultimate Warrior.  He was a draw, but just a short term one.  Most of us remember him as an overrated super “good guy” who brought the goods a few times and had one short run with the belt.  Otherwise, he’s just…

(Quick interuption:  I’m listening to PWInsider radio right now and Mike Johnson just made a joke that Jim Cornette has to sleep with a baseball bat in his hands because he’s scared that Bill Watts will come to his house in the middle of the night because of the Eric Young stupidity in TNA.  Hilarious!)

Oh yeah, so Warrior’s just not a “big-time” name.  He’s better than Boris Zukhov, but he’s no Terry Funk.  He has no storyline history with Vince right now and if he just showed up in January and challenged McMahon for Wrestlemania, no one would accept it.  It wouldn’t make any sense.

Now I don’t want my nay-saying to go without some helpful advice.  So, if Ultimate Warrior still wants to wrestle at Wrestlemania XXV, I have an idea that I’m sure WWE management would love.   I know of a certain “King of Kings” who would probably like to get his win back.

And for the record, there has always been one - and only one - Ultimate Warrior.  His name is Jim Hellwig and he legally changed it to “Warrior” in order to retain the rights to the name.  He was the only one.  Except for the first one, who died of steroids.**

Homework assignment until next time:  Find a copy of the Warrior/Savage Wrestlemania VII match.  Good stuff!

 

* I jest.  Randy Savage is actually Michael Savage’s older brother.***

** I jest again.  No Warrior has ever died.  It’s always been Jim.   - http://www.wrestleview.com/info/faq/warrior.shtml

*** Please don’t send me an email telling me that Michael and Randy are not brothers.  You’ll be wrong.  Michael Savage’s real name is Lanny Poffo and he is, in fact, Randy Savage’s brother.****

**** No doubt, you have no idea who Michael Savage even is, and you are wondering if I actually am as crazy as Randy Savage.  In that case, you’d be right.  But I’m not crazy, and Michael Savage isn’t really Randy Savage’s brother.  He’s not related to Lanny Poffo in any way either.  But he still rulz!