So I saw this movie at Walmart for ten bucks and that was worth a look. Then I read the plot on the back of the box. A group of amateur porn professionals get stranded in a ghost town rumored to be inhabited by the legendary El Mascarado. The legend tell us that El Mascarado was created from 3 or 4 of the best wrestlers in Mexico in preparation for the 68 Olympics in which the Mexican president wanted to defeat the Soviets. Instead of winning the Olympics, El Mascarado went nuts and started killing people, ripping their faces off after defeat. So the kids get there and they start showing up dead when one of them finds out what they have to do. Yeah, like other horror movies where one of them is a werewolf or vampire expert this group has a Lucha Libre expert – a mexican kid from Seattle. So instead of a silver bullet or stake through the heart, he lets them now they have to remove his mask to defeat him saying “We’ll retire this son of a bitch tonight!” So I was expecting an awesome movie. But I was a little pissed. But not because it was a bad horror movie – I’m not really a horror fan. I was mad as a wrestling fan and to explain why I’ll be writing spoilers.
***Spoilers***
Yeah, so the fat mexican kid from Seattle knows he has to remove the guys mask to defeat him. I thought that was awesome. And earlier in the movie we see this kid has an El Tigre mask he carries around in his pants pocket as I’m sure all chicanos do. So when El Mascarado (played by Rey Mysterio) tracks down the mexican to a dusty, crude wrestling ring made with rope and metal barrels, I was happy as hell to see him pull out the El Tigre mask. What made me even more excited was the folding chairs in the room and random crap like boards and pipes. The problem was the fat kid didn’t use ANY of that stuff. He didn’t even use the barrels. To make things worse El Mascarado didn’t really do any good wrestling either. Just threw the chubby guy around and started stomping on him before he finally climbed a barrel to do a weak frog splash if you can call it that. And El mascarado’s lack of a moveset was another thing that upset me. El Mascarado was supposed to be made using the best wrestlers in Mexico. Well if anyone knows about the history of lucha libre you know that the good wrestlers actually use exciting wrestling moves. The people that don’t do shit but clothelines, leg drops, and use dirty tactics are heels south of the border (it makes sense to me too). Yet this legendary wrestler made the Great Khali look like Ultimo Dragon. So yeah, to make a long story short there wasn’t one chair shot and the legendary wrestler had the same skills I think Bill Murray would have. At the end we see him using the porn van to drive somewhere else so it’s open for a sequel. I hope in the sequel I can see at least one lethal hurricanrana and a worthy adversary that won’t try attacking El Mascarado’s strengths. This movie could be awesome. Actually it was awesome (you wouldn’t know with all that whining right?) but with these improvements it could go above Touch of Evil and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest on my list of all time greats.
Tags: Bill Murray, fat mexican kid, Great Khali, Hurricanrana, Lucha Libre, Olympic, Rey Mysterio, Ultimo Dragon, Vampire, Walmart, Werewolf
