March Madness.
To some, it means tall guys running around in too-short shorts grabbing a ball. For others, it is a reference to the latter part of March (or early April) where a bunch of guys, and a few gals, gather together in an arena to watch a bunch of greased up muscular men roll around in their underwear in the biggest pay-per-view of the year.
I think we call all guess which side of that fence I’m on.
March Madness for wrestling fans is here — Wrestlemania weekend. This week, I’ll be looking over the card for this year’s installment of the year’s biggest show, giving my predictions as well as my “fantasy booking” pick. I’m putting the matches in the order that I think they’ll take place.
24-Man Battle Royal – Winner earns an ECW Championship Match against ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero
What should happen: I have to confess that I haven’t watched ECW in months. I’d have Kane win. Have him kill Chavo in their match and then go into some goth-based blood matches with Big Daddy V or, even better, have CM Punk show us his dark side and have some evil hardcore matches with Kane. Could be worse.
What will happen: Well, it’s hard to pick, since WWE doesn’t even list all of the participants on their web page preview(http://www.wwe.com/shows/wrestlemania/matches/6625174/preview/) of the match. Since I do need to pick, and WWE themselves claim it will be one of “24 top-caliber Superstars” looking to make their dreams come true, I guess I’ll pick Chuck Palumbo. Nothing says “top-caliber” like Chuck Palumbo They seem to be pushing him and he’d have a half-way decent match with Chavo… oh who am I kidding? He’d have a horrible match with Chavo. Either way, that’s who WWE will have win the battle royal and then the ECW title.
Finlay vs. JBL – Irish Eyes of Hatred
What should happen: I would make this quick. Finlay would destroy JBL and this entire storyline would go away, never to be mentioned again.
What will happen: I seriously can not make an ounce of sense out of this garbage. I’m sure Hornswoggle, Vince, and Shane will all be involved at some point and this match will last 45 minutes. JBL will win with a screwy finish and the mess will continue until SummerSlam.
SmackDown vs. Raw: Batista vs. Umaga
What should happen: A decent brawl that Umaga wins in the end. He then goes on to SmackDown to be Undertakers first opponent/jobber. And has a pretty good match with him.
What will happen: A crappy brawl that Batista wins in the end. He then goes on to Raw to be Triple H’s first opponent/jobber. And has a pretty crappy match with him.
Floyd “Money” Mayweather vs. Big Show
What should happen: Due to time constraints, the match gets canceled.
What will happen: Big Show gets knocked out and the clip gets some airtime on ESPN. And they make fun of wrestling.
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
This is a match that helped make Edge a true star. It also helped RVD re-launch ECW on WWE TV. This year, there aren’t really any guys in it that could make the big impact that Edge or Van Dam did, so we’re left with a few options. It could be the platform to rescue Chris Jericho’s career, but I don’t see that happening.
What should happen: Matt Hardy makes a surprise entrance and wins the match.
What will happen: Matt Hardy won’t be in the match, but he will show up and cost MVP the match. Kennedy will win, boring fans to death all across the world.
Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels (Career Threatening Match)
This is the only match on the card that I really want to see. Their segment on Raw this week almost made me order the PPV. These are my two favorite wrestlers of all time, and if it really is Flair’s last match, expect him to hold nothing back.
What should happen: If this was a “loser retires” instead of a “Ric Flair retires if he loses” match, I’d have Flair lose and retire. After a great match he and Michael would do the whole tearful embrace and everyone in the audience would cry and all that crap. Since it is only Flair that would have to retire, I would actually have him win. On Monday, he’d then say that he’s retiring on his own terms, not McMahon’s, and would then give the good retirement speech and become a manager or something.
What will happen: Michaels wins. Flair retires. Great match.
BunnyMania Lumberjack Match: Candice & Maria vs. The Glamazon & Melina
Do you remember Wrestlemania III when Bobby “the Brain” Heenan said that he won’t have anything to with midget matches? Well I feel the same way about “BunnyMania” matches.
World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. Undertaker
What should happen: Undertaker needs to win and continue his streak. I would do some storyline advancement here, too. Have Edge put up a fight and lose a close match. Afterwards, Edge jumps Taker and beats him down. He beats and bloodies the dead-man until Kennedy (the MITB winner) comes down. Edge pushes Kennedy down and grabs the briefcase and continues to beat on Taker with it. Then he throws down the briefcase and walks away. Kennedy grabs a ref and goes for the pin to win the title, but before he could get on top of him, the bloody Undertaker would reach up and grab Kennedy’s throat. A choke-slam and a three-count later, and Kennedy’s MITB cash in is cashed out.
What will happen: Undertaker will win without all of the cool stuff I mentioned.
Another cool scenario: Have Matt Hardy win the MITB and then turn heel, cost Undertaker the match and start a feud with Edge. It could work, but Hardy doesn’t have the charisma to be a top heel.
WWE Championship John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Triple H
This one is hard to predict or pick a winner, because I really don’t care that much any of the guys in it. I’m sure it will be a good match, though.
What should happen: I know I’m in a minority, but I would pick Cena. I’m tired of Triple H, and “Blandy Bore-ton” just doesn’t do anything for me at all. Cena works hard. I’d also turn him heel and have him feud with Undertaker to unify the titles and end the brand split. (Had to throw that last sentence in.)
What will happen: The King of Kings will sit on his thrown again and feud with Batista, boring wrestling fans around the world.
And that’s the Wrestlemania card. I’ll be back next week with my TNA house show report. Or maybe sooner with something else.
This week’s homework assignment: Leave a comment with your own Wrestemania predictions and thoughts.
Tags: ashley, batista, Beth Phoenix, Big Show, bobby heenan, candice, cena, chavo, Chris Jericho, CM Punk, ECW, Edge, elijah burke, finlay, Floyd Mayweather, HHH, Hornswoggle, jbl, jeff hardy, Kane, Kennedy, Maria, mark henry, Matt Hardy, melina, Money in the Bank, mvp, orton, playboy, ppv, Raw, Ric Flair, RVD, Shawn Michaels, Shelton Benjamin, Smackdown, umaga, Undertaker, Wrestlemania, wrestlemania card, Wrestling, wwe, WWF
March 27, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I’m back… It’s true, oh it’s damn true. Here we go:
24-Man Battle Royal – Winner earns an ECW Championship Match against ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero
Should win: Elijah Burke!
Will Win: Mark Henry, that son of a bitch. Kane will be eliminated when Pete Rose does a run in.
Finlay vs. JBL – Irish Eyes of Hatred
Should win: I don’t even care, but I’d say if Finlay doesn’t win, there was no point to this storyline… of course, that would mean I felt there had been a point to this storyline. The upside of the match will be when Horny draws another circle on the wall, and this time, a train comes out, running over everyone involved.
Will win: JBL. During the match, Hornswoggle will interfere, but he will take out Finlay, having realized that Finlay set him up. Why did Finlay lie about being Horny’s dad? Why did he play along with McMahon’s evil plan? These are answers we may never receive.
SmackDown vs. Raw: Batista vs. Umaga
Should win: Umanga (that’s right, UmaNga)
Will win: Batista
Floyd “Money” Mayweather vs. Big Show
Should win: Money The point is publicity, and it’s the only way they’ll get it.
Will win: Money The man is a cocky little bitch and would not let even the Big Show take him down.
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Should win: John Morrison or CM Punk
Will Win: John Morrison or CM Punk, unless Matt Hardy enters “Unexpectedly”
Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels (Career Threatening Match)
Should win: Ric Flair I agree with Jason all the way on this one.
Will Win: Shawn Michaels.
BunnyMania Lumberjack Match: Ashley & Maria vs. The Glamazon & Melina
Should win: Ashley and Maria (Hey, Jason, Candice is hurt. She’s out of the match!)
Will Win: Prepubescent boys everywhere.
World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. Undertaker
Should win: Undertaker, if we keep the streak, Edge if we’re going for just damn sweetness!
Will Win: Undertaker
WWE Championship John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Triple H
Should Win: Randy Orton. I think there would be nothing better than Orton squeaking out some wins while Trips and Cena keep taking each other out for a few months.
Will Win: HHH. And I’ll be happy. I’m still a mark at heart.
March 27, 2008 at 11:48 pm
Oh, I missed the fact that it doesn’t matter who Chavo faces. He’ll be dropping the title, because he was seen at the Live TNA Impact tonight in Orlando.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Chavo!
March 28, 2008 at 10:13 pm
One of the Highlanders was there too though. Supposedly he got a phone call and had to leave.
March 29, 2008 at 12:23 pm
He was then SENT HOME from Wrestlemania Weekend.
March 29, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Whats the deal? Were the WWE guys were in the audience at the live TNA show or was it something else?
March 29, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Yeah it was the live TNA show. I guess they were told not to go.
March 29, 2008 at 8:57 pm
24-Man Battle Royal – Winner earns an ECW Championship Match against ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero
What should happen: I actually looked at the WWE site to check out the ECW roster. THey don’t even have 24 guys on there. And from what I hear this match is going to be streamed on the internet before Wrestlemania starts soooo, I’m gonna skip it.
Finlay vs. JBL – Irish Eyes of Hatred
What should happen: Finlay beats the crap out of JBL while making good use of anything he can get his hands on outside of the ring until he uses JBL to smash the Mexican announcer’s table (that thing is like a black guy in a horror movie – first to go). After Finlay’s big win, Hornswaggle is going to scurry out to him with a brand new, spotless suit and a face full of muck and will actually speak! “Poppa, I” *SMACK* A half conscious JBL somehow got a hold of Finlay’s shillelagh and lethally struck Hornswaggle in the throat with it. Hornswaggle’s mic falls with him and lands by his mouth in time for us to hear his death rattle. Finlay grabs the shillelagh and cracks JBL’s head open and kicks one of those poor mexican announcers out of his chair so he can thrash JBL with it until it goes from exciting to nauseating. We will actually feel for JBL for the first time since, well, since ever. Security will clear out of the back and Finlay will smash through a barrage of them like a prisoner on PCP until the police come and take him down in a storm of rubber bullets. Then one of the swat team members will lift his visor to show a big smile and he will throw the bloody shillelagh into the audience for some lucky fan to keep.
What will happen: I will check the oven to see if my Chex party mix is done and maybe make a beer run.
SmackDown vs. Raw: Batista vs. Umaga
What should happen: After a good spanking Batista will rip that stupid fucking spike off of Umaga’s hand and stick it somewhere up his skirt. Somehow Umaga will still win though. I don’t know why.
What will happen: Batista? Umaga? Whoever wins I lose. Really. Just as long as they job to someone else like Jabroni was saying I’ll be fine with it.
Floyd “Money” Mayweather vs. Big Show
What should happen: Like I had already said this is only worth it if the Big Show really hurts Mayweather. Mayweather would gain some respect from me if he got chokeslammed onto some thumbtacks and flourescent lightbulbs.
What will happen: Someone will return or make their debut during this match and help Mayweather beat Big Show to start a feud. Someone in Mayweather’s camp leaked that there would be a huge surprise. Hopefully that’s what it is. Mysterio isn’t ready to come back is he?
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
What should happen: Everyone jobs to Shelton Benjamin. Then a fairy comes down from the rafters a la Sting and grants him a personality. With his newfound charisma he would make throw some fun into the main events that have been dominated by the Orton, Cena, HHH threesome.
What will happen: I really don’t know. I can seriously see this as the match that they use to actually surprise us. So I’m guessing it will be a surprise.
Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels (Career Threatening Match)
What should happen: Shawn Michaels gives another great performance at Wrestlmania as does Flair who gives it all for his last big match. Flair wins. HBK shakes his hand. And then Shawn raises Flair’s hand as the crowd goes “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
What will happen: I think Flair will win and retire with nothing left to prove.
BunnyMania Lumberjack Match: Candice & Maria vs. The Glamazon & Melina
This is another break. I’m not going to miss all of it but it’s not really a concern.
World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. Undertaker
What should happen: Undertaker will win. After he gets the belt he’ll put over a deserving young star after a feud on Smackdown where the young star ends up with the belt.
What will happen: Undertaker will win and Edge will probably be trying to get his belt back on Monday.
WWE Championship John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Triple H
What should happen: We find out tomorrow night that this is a DQ match. We get a good brawl in and out of the ring that ends with Cena pulling a bitch move (playing possum, hiding under the ring, something like that) to unexpectedly take out the last man standing and running like hell with the belt only to talk shit when he gets to a safe distance and yeah, he might even rap. He NEEDS TO TURN HEEL.
What will happen: Trips is going to win. Hopefully something good will come out of it though. Maybe Cena and Orton will back off onto the midcard for a bit? Get involved in some silly ass storylines to help some other wrestlers out? And Trips could do the same for some young buck with the title as the storyline. But yeah, I guess most of that should have went under “What will happen.”